Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
