I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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