when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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