he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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