Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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