i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
