When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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