I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
