My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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