Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
