Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
