I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
