My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
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