ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
