I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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