If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
