His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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