Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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