I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dignity is for republicans.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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