We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
