i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
