So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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