I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
