dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
