I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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