did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
