someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
