Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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