i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
