I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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