Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
