If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
