watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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