I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
