like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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