dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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