I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
