I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
His nipple licking is glorious
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