Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
