Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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