Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
