you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
