the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
