She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
this hospital has no fireball
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
