So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
