I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
