at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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