I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
