Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
