Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
