Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
