I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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