I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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